


The Trouble With Guinea Pigs

by debirlfan



Category: Allstate Insurance "Mayhem" Commercials
Genre: Alien Flora & Fauna, Alien Invasion, Aliens Made Them Do It, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-03 19:51:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20458535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/debirlfan/pseuds/debirlfan
Summary: Mayhem obtains a birthday present for his nephew. It's nearly the end of the world.





	The Trouble With Guinea Pigs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [silveradept](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silveradept/gifts).

I'm not quite sure how everything ended up being my fault. My intention was to get my nephew a birthday present. Not to facilitate an intergalactic invasion.

Maybe I should start at the beginning. Zachary's tenth birthday was coming up. He's my only nephew, and I never know what to get him. I knew he wanted a pet in the worst way, but that his parents didn't think he was ready for the responsibility. I thought he was. Hey, I'm the cool uncle, right? And one way or another, I wasn't going to have to take care of it, so what did I care?

Anyhow, I was thinking about getting him a pet. Totally by coincidence, I happened to be looking at Craig's List, and wouldn't you know I came across a free guinea pig. It even came with food and a cage. A guinea pig seemed like a perfect low maintenance starter pet for Zach. I'd just get it, and hang onto it for a few weeks until his birthday.

So, I give the owner a call and make arrangements to meet and pick up the animal. He offers to bring it to me. Great, it saves me from having to schlep across town to get it.

Maybe it should have raised a red flag when he said he wanted to drop the guinea pig off at eleven o'clock—at night. But, the dude said that was when he got off work, and I believed him. The red flag did go up when he arrived, but probably not far enough. It wasn't the green hair—heck, today that's barely worth a batted eyebrow—or even the pointed ears. It was the white skin that really got my attention. By white, I don't mean never-set-foot-outside white, I mean house paint white. There was some sort of comic convention that weekend, so I assumed it was makeup. Now I'm not so sure.

Well, despite his odd appearance, Craig's List guy dropped off “Fuzzy” without incident. I took the cage in, set it on the coffee table, fed Fuzzy as I'd been instructed, and went to bed.

The next morning, I dragged my butt out of bed, stumbled into the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee before heading into the living room to drink it. Imagine my surprise when I was confronted by a cage containing not only Fuzzy, but also four somewhat smaller fur balls.

It appeared that I'd been gifted a pregnant guinea pig. Huh. I went and got some more food and gave them, then fetched the newspaper so I could work on the crossword.

I didn't look in on the guinea pigs again until that afternoon. When I did, I was shocked to find five fully grown animals. The only way I could identify Fluffy was by her distinctive markings.

Now, I know you're thinking that I should have recognized that there was something seriously amiss going on. In retrospect, yeah, I should have. But in my defense, I knew nothing about guinea pigs or their growth rate. The only pet I'd ever had was a dog, and I only had him until he bit the mailman. And the dog catcher. Then he went away to live on a farm. Geez, it's been a long time but I still miss that dog.

So anyhow, I had five guinea pigs and one nephew. I might be the doting uncle, but I knew there was no way I was going to get away with giving all five of them to Zach. My sister would kill me. I called the local pet sort and asked them if they'd like to buy some guinea pigs for five bucks each. (Hey, I wanted to get a little something for my efforts.) They said sure, and to bring them by.

That afternoon I packed up the four animals that weren't Fluffy and took them to the store. When I got back, Fluffy was in her cage. With five more babies.

Okay, now this was getting seriously weird. Then again, I'd already sold the first batch. Easiest twenty dollars I'd ever made. I wasn't going to complain.

The next morning the babies were the size of their mother. Another trip to the pet store netted me twenty five bucks. I was a little disappointed that evening when Fluffy only had three babies.

The next day, as soon as they were grown, I was back to the pet store. I started to walk in with the box, and the manager came flying out, screaming that he never wanted to see me again. I tried to ask him what the problem was, but he just kept screaming. Rude.

I tried another pet store on the other side of town. They were happy to take my extras. I brought them another batch the following day, but when I tried a third time, I ended up with another upset manager. This one wasn't threatening, she just kept sobbing something about, “So many! So many!” 

I found another pet shop. That deal only lasted two days. Apparently the babies were reproducing as often as Fluffy was.

It was about that time that I started wondering what my sister was going to do with an eternally pregnant guinea pig and her eternally pregnant offspring. I was also running out of local pet shops. I decided it was time to unload Fluffy.

I had to drive almost two hours north before I found a place willing to take her, and I didn't even get five dollars, but I was rid of my problem. I'd already made more than enough money to buy Zachary something else. I put the whole misadventure out of my mind, and didn't think much more about it.

You all know what happened a few months later. The “guinea pigs” were anything but. In the words of the experts, they were “Bio-mechanical constructs” that self-replicated rapidly. The aliens that built them designed them to appear harmless and cute, so that unwitting humans would spread them across the country and even further across the world. That part of their plan worked.

In addition to self-replicating, they were programmed to detonate on command, releasing pheromones that effectively acted as sex pollen. The plan was that while we were all screwing each other, they'd just swoop in and take over Earth uncontested.

On the face of it, it was a good plan. I'll also say that as one of the billions affected, it was certainly fun while it lasted. 

There was one thing the aliens didn't count on, though. Humans, on average, think about sex twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. We still manage to function. So, after a quick orgy or two, most of us were able to push aside the distraction and fight off the aliens.

They found out humans aren't as easy as they thought (in more ways than one), and I don't think they'll be back for awhile.

Oh, you're wondering what I ended up getting Zach? I got him a video game. One his parents didn't approve of, where you had to fight off big, scary aliens. I think it ended up being a pretty good choice.


End file.
